UM Grad Approaches Life of Hustling with 'Zealous Fortitude'

My buddy Jeff forwarded this to me and told me I could post it.  Jeff graduated from the University of Montana last Spring with degrees in Journalism and History.  This is his response to an e-mail from the j-schools' director of gratuate studies...

Dear recent grad: Somehow, the J-School has lost touch with you. No, this isn't a dunning letter! But we would like to know what you are up to.
What's your current (or very recent) job? Even if it's not in journalism, we'd like to know. Please write back!

Thanks, Clem Work

Jeff's response...

I'm a no-good street hustler. A dealer. To put it bluntly, I work at Crazy Mike's videostore. It's that little shop around the corner that doles out everyone's drugs of choice: action, drama, comedy. You name it, and we'll search the foreign aisles to find it.

Our clientele are mostly regulars. You can tell them by their sweaty palms and glossy eyes. Hooking them's easy. Watch them wander the store, checking out the merchandise. Advise them to try "Good Will Hunting," a purple-sticky-punch flavor with a nice aftertaste. When they come back, hit them with "Pulp Fiction," the Alaskan-thunderfuck of movies. After that, they'll be waiting in winter weather every Tuesday morning just to catch the next cheap trick coming off Hollywood's supply lines. They're not just the low-lifes anymore. I saw a few of my former professors walking out, five movies in hand. Before, they never smoked movies, just drank books. Yeah right. I knew an addict when I saw one.

It's good business, but I'm low on the totem pole. It took my manager years to move up from the check-out corner to the back office. I rarely get to see the don; a slick businessman known simply as "Fred." He's tall, mid-forties and despite the rough edges of his East-European accent, is surprisingly smooth. He's your Crazy Mike. Your "Lunatic Mick." He stops by every once in a while, but only to prop himself in the corner and watch operations. To make sure everything runs smoothly. He doesn't get his hands dirty. Doesn't
need to. It keeps him cool when the customer brings heat. That's what I'm for. DVD's scratched, I'll replace it. Video's damaged, I'll repair it. Some asshole cuts you off in traffic, your boss is a dick and your children hate you, I'm the one you yell at. But piss me off, and I'll block your account.

I tried the regular world. A decent job at a restaurant; I blistered my fingertips on a hot plate. College was nice. Taught me to write. Even got published in a magazine a few times. They keep asking me for more, but for what I give them, I get little in return. It doesn't pay the bills and can't keep me busy during the lonely days. That's how I got here. That's why I work at Crazy Mike's. All those days with nothing to write, I began experimenting. I rented a few movies, figured they'd last me a month. One week later, I was back in the store. Weeks became days. I had tried nearly everything. I got desperate. I rented cheesy movies to fill my comedic void, badly dubbed action for my aggressive side. I even witnessed a man's head
explode after devouring a giant fanged mutated slug. It was the parasites inside the slug that shot out his eyeballs, not the mollusk itself. Is it a mollusk, or does it have to have a shell? Who cares. When I couldn't afford my daily fix, I decided to apply. The application was a joke. Very few college graduates with degrees in two majors apply for minimum wage. I was a high-class junky, and the boss knew it. They feed me 30 free rentals a month, but I go through them too quickly. Now I owe them on every paycheck, like the vicious cycle of a Southern sharecropper. Late fees. That's how they keep you.

I'm not alone in the hell-hole. Brian took the job because he had to.
Another college graduate, another hopeless case. He says he does it for the excitement, for the rush. But everyone knows, he's only dealing to support his 3-year-old kid. I hope he makes it out.

As for me, the future is unclear. I've tried applying to newspapers and magazines. They made me jump through hoops for even an interview. There were writing and grammar tests, phone calls and e-mails. I'd stand on my head and piss in my mouth if they asked, but I'm no acrobat. They even examined my personality through a few hundred questions or so.

"How do you approach your current job?
A: With no care   
B: With some care
C: With zealous fortitude"

It's a video store! Sometime after picking my nose I'll tell the old woman that I can't replace her movie even though it took her two hours to realize she was facing the remote control the opposite direction.

The answer is C.

I'm waiting for a sign. Waiting for just one newspaper, magazine or Web site to take me under their wing. I'll be their innocent puppy; their unsculpted clay. Mold me, teach me or train me to pee outside. I don't care. Just send me to rehab.

For future reference, I'm more likely to read e-mails sent to my new address at jwindmueller@hotmail.com. Thanks for the message --sorry about the delay.

-- Jeff Windmueller

Comments

[Nikki]

I don't know what to think about this.... It's a really funny letter, but Clem is so nice. I don't know if he got the joke, or if he was insulted by the reponse to his inquiry.

[bigskysquid]

Yeah... I hope Clem wasn't offended. I don't think that was Jeff's intent. I think he was just trying to be funny. Even though it's not completely appropriate, I thought it was a heck of a piece of drunken writing.

[Jaime Drummond]

You all underestimate Clem. He probably laughed his ass off...quietly. He is smart and super funny...his sense of humor is just kept undercover. I am sure he appreciated reading this note as much as the rest of us. Although now I am terrified...if Jeff is working at Crazy Mikes, what is going to happen to me?

[Nikki]

Oh, I just thought Jeff working at Crazy Mikes was part of the joke... now I'm terrified too (thanks)

[Luella Brien]

Jeff can find a j-job, but he's in love and he doens't want leave Missoula! Stop trying to play it off Jeff!

[Clem]

Jaime's right. I did laugh like hell, then forwarded it to the rest of the faculty.
Btw, Denny, I really liked your Dead shots and sent the link to a bunch of people. NG will be calling.